im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
