I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just want nice things and good sex
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
