I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
