Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
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