Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
