I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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