I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
