I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
