2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
