I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
