And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
