Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
