I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
