I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
