who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
