i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
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