Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
