I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
