So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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