@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
