I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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