and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
this boner is exhausting
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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