I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
