There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
sex in a hospital.. check
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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