Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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