The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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