Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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