sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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