i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
