I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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