I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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