Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she woke up with a sticky ear
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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