he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
