you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
