Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
