I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
