When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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