She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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