Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
A bitchslap is in order.
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