I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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