The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
