Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
