Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
