is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
