There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
