Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
