I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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