You're earring is so big in my mouth
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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