I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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