Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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